It was weird. I had only known Jeremy for a few days and I felt completely comfortable around him. Maybe it was because he was blind, or younger, or smaller than me but he was the first person I could tolerate being around without my persistent fear permeating everything. At first I wasn’t so sure about our travelling together, but by lunchtime the day after we met I was more than content to have him around.

 

It was getting dark out, so we were looking for somewhere to settle down for the night. It was nice out for late November, with not a cloud in the sky. A nice breeze passed us by, and with it came a wild idea on my part. Excited, I tapped Jeremy’s shoulder.

 

“What?” He asked, turning towards me. “Did you find something?”

 

“Yeah, I think I’ve got the perfect place. Come on!” And with that I grabbed his hand, and pulled him toward the town’s high school. Avoiding the parking lot and therefore the security cameras, I made my way towards the soccer fields. Sure enough, there was a hill with the exact right angle to lie on comfortably. “It’s right here.” I told him, plopping down on the grass and pulling him with me.

 

Kneeling down and feeling the grass with his thin fingers he faced me, a quizzical look plastered on his face. “Are we under an overhang or something?”

 

“Nah” I said, leaning back. “I figured it was too nice a night to hole up somewhere. And we’re in the country so there’s no real threat from thugs or anything, so why not lay under the stars for once?”

 

He smiled a beautiful smile and lay down next to me. “I guess you’re right.”

 

As the sun slowly sank into nothingness we talked about each other’s lives. He asked more questions than I, wanting to know anything and everything but respected our random fact deal to maneuver around the scary topics. I responded to them, not asking too many questions of my own but he didn’t seem to mind. The questions just kept on flowing out of him like an endless river. We talked about Flower, and my old school, and every topic in between but my mind wasn’t on the conversation. It was focused on the few points of physical contact between us, as accidental as they were. With the exception of being bumped into by a few people I hadn’t been touched by anyone else since I left, so every spot we were connected tingled as if electricity was passing from him to me. His elbow on my arm; his foot just barely touching mine; his long blond hair brushing against my neck. It was terrifying and exhilarating and I was compelled to either break it off and move away, or explore it even more. But I didn’t. I just lay there and talked to him.

 

“Did you have any friends in high school?” He asked me.

 

“Uhh, yeah… Just a few though. I mean I had my team, but I don’t really count them as friends especially when they stopped talking to me when I quit. But I had Jeff and Jerem, you know, the guy I told you about that shares your name and Jeff’s most likely secret boyfriend.” Jeremy chuckled at that which made me smile. “And… Well, I guess I sorta had a girlfriend as well… Kelly.” For some reason I hated telling him this. But I couldn’t stop rambling. “She really was a good girlfriend compared to some that others had, ya know? I mean, she didn’t go all crazy psycho on me or anything.” I laughed nervously, but he didn’t respond. “She broke up with me though- after I changed. Not that I blame her or anything…”

 

A lump rose in my throat, making it impossible to speak further. I saw her face, hurt and broken, asking me what was wrong. Asking me if it was her fault. No matter how many times I told her it wasn’t, she didn’t believe me. I wanted to tell her but the words wouldn’t come to me. Even after Kelly gave me the ultimatum of letting her know or leaving, I couldn’t. Adriane’s words came back to me. No one will believe a guy didn’t want this, so all I said was ‘I’m sorry’.

 

A thin hand lightly touched my arm. I jerked away from it involuntarily, but the sudden movement didn’t faze Jeremy at all. “I was just curious- and you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to.” He quickly added, before he paused to take a breath. “Did you really love her?”

 

It was definitely an odd question but I felt as if I was obligated to answer it. “No. I mean, I loved her as a friend but it was nothing more than that. And that’s why it hurt me to break her heart like that. She deserved to be happy, deserved a boyfriend that loved her and confided in her, no matter the circumstances, but that wasn’t me…”

 

“I see…” There was a couple seconds of silence then he hoisted himself up on his elbow, and feigned looking at me. “I have another question. Another odd one, if you don’t mind.” Murmuring a yes, I let him continue. “I was wondering if I could know what you looked like. I mean I can’t see it, obviously.” He waved a hand in front of his eyes, and I smiled. “So- I dunno… Maybe I could just-“

 

He held out his hand an inch or so above my cheek. I closed my eyes and took a deep steadying breath. He was asking for my consent, something that I hadn’t experienced in two years.

 

“Here.” I said, taking his hand and pressing it to my face. I took another breath to calm myself as his fingers moved gently down my jawline, up my lips and nose, across my forehead, and back to my cheek.

 

“You’re scruffy.” He smiled, rubbing his hands against my stubble.

 

“Well, yeah” I responded, also smiling but a little more apprehensively. “You don’t expect me to be able to shave all the time do you?” My heart was beating out of my chest with nerves but I tried to keep the light conversation going.

 

“I guess not.” He laughed. His fingers brushed against my ear, before traveling down my neck, and resting on my collarbone. “Well, if feels like you’re really handsome. I approve.”

 

I felt a blush creeping across my face. “Uhm… Well- thanks.” I stammered as butterflies filled my stomach. “You’re not too… Uhm… You look good too.” I mentally cursed myself for saying something so stupid. He really was gorgeous for a guy. Between the sandy blond hair, only a few shades darker than mine to his piercing green eyes, unseeing as they were, he really was good-looking.

 

“Thanks, Layton.” He said. “It means a lot to hear that from you.” His face was so very close to mine. I could feel his breath on my nose, my cheek, my eyelashes. His hand hadn’t moved but I could feel the anticipation, as it hoped to be able to ‘see’ me some more. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew exactly what he wanted. But it was… Different. He wasn’t forcing me or telling me. I had a choice. He wouldn’t have pushed anything if I didn’t respond to it, he would’ve just laid there for the rest of the night keeping his wants, needs, and hands to himself. We would continue to talk until we both fell asleep and nothing else would happen.

 

But I had the option to…

 

I closed my eyes. Please God, please. Let this be the right choice.  It was easily the hardest decision I ever had to make but I leaned into him. And for once it was my decision. I took a deep breath, took the plunge, and pressed my lips against his.

 

He immediately melted into my kiss. I could feel his light smile as he kissed me back firmly but affectionately. His hand moved back up my neck and into my hairline pulling me deeper. I hesitantly let mine explore his back, feeling how skinny and underfed he was. My fingers ran up his spine, feeling the space in between each vertebra.

 

He gently sucked on my lower lip as his hand travelled down my side. I shivered, trying to repress my memories and kissed him harder in return. His hand rested on my hip as he twined his legs in with mine. His lips moved from my mouth to my jaw, biting ever so slightly. As his kisses moved to my neck, his hand moved slowly, very slowly down to my outer thigh. The feeling of teeth against my neck and I jumped. I tried to hold the memories at bay, but no matter how hard I tried I flashed back.

 

“Come on, pretty boy. Don’t you want to experience adulthood with someone who knows what it’s all about?”

 

“No, please. Please! Dad’ll be home soon. He’ll catch you. He-“

 

I wrenched his hands away from me, rolled over on top of him, and slammed both wrists against the grassy hill.

 

Pressing my forehead against his, I tried to climb out of the memory.

 

“Oh come on, darling. You know as well as I that he’s always home late when he goes out with the guys.”

She pulled me towards her, toppling me on top of her, using my belt as a handle.

 

I whimpered, trying to hold onto the real world.

 

Her fingers made quick work of the buckle, and she slipped her hands into my pants.

 

“Please, no! NO!” I sobbed, trying to get away, but she flipped me over and held fast.

 

“Layton?” A faint voice called to me.

 

“You know you want it pretty boy. What man doesn’t want to fuck the first pussy that they find?”

 

I sobbed as her hand stroked me, her other one pulling my jeans and underwear down.

 

“Layton. Come on, come back to me. It’s not real. I promise.”

 

She leaned into me, tugging at me, and whispered “I’m not wearing underwear for you, pretty boy.”

 

Pulling me closer, I felt what she meant. There was nothing under the long t-shirt she was wearing.

 

“I know you want it. You get off on what I do to you. Now it’s your turn to give me something in return.” She forced me onto my back. “Give me your child, and I’ll be happy.”

 

“No, please no.” I moaned. “Oh God, please don’t!”

 

She didn’t listen. Biting into my neck, she forced me inside her and sighed my name in my ear.

 

“Layton!” A caring hand stroked my face. The physical contact was enough I pulled myself out of the memory, her voice fading as she told me how good I was.

 

I rolled myself off of Jeremy, ashamed and afraid. Burying my head in my hands, I hyperventilated as tears rolled down my face.

 

Breathe. Just breathe.

 

In.

 

Out.

 

In.

 

Out.

 

“Are you okay? Are you back now?” He asked, sounding scared.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I sobbed, my voice muffled in my shirt.

 

“No, I’m sorry.” He said gently. “I didn’t know… I shouldn’t have done that to you. It’s my fault.” He took a deep breath and I heard him feeling around for his backpack. “I’ll leave now.”

 

“Don’t.” I turned over and grabbed his hand. Pushing it to my face, I concentrated on his touch. The feeling of his being there calmed me enough to slow my breathing down and stop my tears. I don’t know how long it took but he sat there, allowing me to feel his skin against mine. It was my choice. I chose to let him see me. I just had to remind myself over and over again. He did not force anything on me. I allowed everything to happen. It was fine. I was fine.

 

Eventually I opened my eyes and looked at him. His beautiful face was creased with worry, as his sightless gaze focused straight ahead. I could see tears running down his neck, a mixture of his and mine. Sitting up I kissed his hand.

 

“Thank you.” I told him.

 

He looked at me, startled. “For what? If I hadn’t… You know- you wouldn’t have been like that.”

 

I shook my head. “You’ve got it wrong.” I touched his face with my course hands, feeling how soft his skin was. “You helped me. I wouldn’t have gotten out of there without this. You’re the only person who can do this.”

 

He sighed, leaning into my hand, but the worry still darkened his eyes.

 

“Hey. I know you can’t see, but look at me.” I took his face in both of my hands and turned him towards me. He stared at me through his bangs. “This wasn’t your fault. I don’t want you to think that way and I definitely don’t want you to leave.” I rested my forehead against his, as lightly as I could, and closed my eyes. “It has been five months since I’ve touched another human being. It’s been longer since I allowed someone to touch me.” I let our noses touch. “You didn’t do anything to me. Someone else did. She was the one that hurt me, not you. She’s the reason why I can’t…” That lump reappeared in my throat so I kissed him instead of finishing.

 

He kissed me back, his face still wet with tears. I mentally braced myself, then took his hands and placed them on my hips. Breaking the kiss, I looked at him, really taking in every feature on his face; the slight spattering of almost invisible freckles on his nose, the fact that his skin was dry and full of blackheads, the way tears clung to his light eyelashes. “You made me realize that I can trust at least one person. And it may sound stupid coming from someone you’ve only known for three or four days, but I really do trust you. And I may be broken, and an idiot, and not worth fixing but I don’t think there could be anyone else that could. Help me, I mean.”

 

I took a deep breath, and let myself be near him. Feeling the contact, the comfort, waiting for him to reply. I felt like I sounded like a cheesy moron, but I didn’t know what else I could tell him to make him stay.

 

Lifting his hand he studied my face with it, looking at me in the only way he could. Smiling slightly, he whispered “I will. Help you, I mean.” I chuckled softly at his repetition of my words. “Now lets, go to bed. There has been too much emotion for one night, and we have to get moving bright and early.”

 

“Deal.” I said, lying down. He lay next to me, wrapping his arms around me, pulling my head into his chest. I took a deep breath and relaxed, ignoring my brain screaming warnings at me. I was determined to enjoy this moment and for once it actually worked.